Rishav hasn’t meant to say these things to Khanak. God knows what has gotten into him which made him be so harsh with her. He was getting frustrated. Whole day he has seen Khanak smiling at Ankan and the one time she has smiled at him, just moments after she has looked as if she has made a terrible mistake.
He has just wanted her to look at him and have at least one conversation with him. And when he saw her looking at him with indifference as if anything, he has to say doesn’t matter to her, he has wanted to break this self-protective wall that she has built around her heart. One look at her face tells him that he has succeeded but it makes him feel much worse than he was feeling before. He has managed to hurt her again! Hurt her enough to make even Khanak lash out so cruelly.
“You think I am not talking to you because I am afraid that I will start liking you again?!” Khanak scoffs looking at him with only disdain in her eyes. “Have you looked inside yourself recently, Rishav?” Khanak asks and without waiting for him to answer, continues “Because let me tell you what I see when I look at you. An ugly person who neither knows to respect a person’s feelings nor does he care even a bit for his friends. And trust me when I say, I have no interest in the type of person you have become” Khanak finishes with a huff. With just few well-deserved words, she has managed to completely break him.
“So, Rishav, I am not ignoring you because I fear I might begin to like you again. I am ignoring you because I don’t think that I can be friends with you ever again” Khanak announces and storms toward their home.
Rishav stands still right where she left him at the road-side, unaware of anything other than the fact that he has somehow managed to screw up an already screwed relationship. A fit only he can achieve, Rishav scoffs at himself humorlessly. His actions to make her forgive him has only hurt her more and pushed her farther away than before.
And the words she has retaliated with, about his actions, may have been uttered to hurt him but was nothing less than the harsh truth he didn’t want to face. He has disrespected Khanak and her feelings that day. Trying to hide his insecurities, he has pushed her away without even acknowledging the precious gift she was giving him.
Rishav’s only fear was that what if the other things she has said is also true. What if the only reason she isn’t forgiving him is because she simply doesn’t want to?! What if she really doesn’t want to be connected to him in anyway?! What if she is really disgusted with the person he is?! And this one hurts him the most. Because if this is true then….
He can’t even begin to imagine what he will do then!!!
He only comes back to present long after Khanak has already left him.
**
Khanak walks to her home, all the while willing herself to not look back and just keep walking. She has thought she would feel good once she has told him how much he has hurt her but she has done completely opposite. She knows, she has hurt him with her cruel words. And instead of feeling some kind of satisfaction on having done poetic justice, she is miserable.
She shouldn’t have implied that Rishav is some sort of vile person. He isn’t! But she is just still so hurt and his words has put her on defensive mode. She hasn’t wanted him to know that every word that he has uttered was completely true. She isn’t just scared; she is terrified of falling for him again. She can’t go through the same pain again. And even though that’s not the only reason she is avoiding him and is not forgiving him, it is one of the reasons. And Khanak is worried that it’s the major one.
**
“What’s wrong?” Khanak’s mother asks, after dinner, and Khanak lets out a sigh, exhausted with everything. Even pretending to be okay in front of her mother. Anyway, pretending does no good when it comes to her mother. She is one of those parents who can tell what’s going on with just one look at her child’s face.
Instead of answering, Khanak lets out another exhausted sigh. “Guy’s trouble?” Her mother asks with a teasing glint in her eyes.
“Don’t take so much pleasure in my pain” Khanak scowls at her mother.
“What happened?” Her mother asks seriously. Khanak opens her mouth to share but gets embarrassed at the thought of sharing how cruelly she has behaved with her mother. Realizing that her daughter isn’t going to share whatever is bothering her. Her mother says, “Don’t tell me if you don’t want to. But always remember, the isn’t anything brave about hiding”. Told you, her mother knows everything with just one look at her face.
“But what if it’s smart?” Khanak couldn’t stop herself from asking.
Her mother shrugs and gives her a look as if saying ‘is it?’. And leaves her with her thoughts.
**
Rishav knows that Khanak has asked him not to bother himself and after their interaction yesterday, he really shouldn’t be doing this. But Rishav has said that he will be there to pick her up for her college and he will be there. He has to show her that he might not care about others but he does care for her. He knows that it’s probable that she would have called Ankan later in the evening and Ankan would be picking her up but he has to take this chance.
As Khanak hasn’t told him the time of her first class and when she needs to be picked up, Rishav wakes up at 7:00 am and stands in front of her house at 7:30 in the morning to remove any chance of him being late. He knows that he is a little bit and there is no way that she will need to go to college this early but Rishav didn’t want to take any chance.
And all his planning and efforts pay off when Khanak walks out of her house one and a half hours later in her olive colored sweater, black jeans and ankle length boots with no sign of Ankan around to pick her up. Her head is down and there is a frown on her face as if she is thinking about something which gives him chance to look at her. She has tied her hair in high ponytail and has a white woolen scarf wrapped around her neck. Rishav smiles. She has always been the type to feel colder than most people in winter and hotter than most people in summer.
Her step falters when she raises her head and sees him, waiting for her. For a second, her eyes soften and it seems like she is about to smile but then he sees her palm clenching in tight fists. Ah, seems like she remembered yesterday’s or maybe last year’s issue.
She walks toward main road, ignoring him. Her ponytail swinging with every step of hers. And he smiles at familiarity. He takes other helmet, that he has brought for her, in his hand and starts his bike to follow her.
“I don’t want to be the creep who follows girls, Khanak”
“Then don’t be! I didn’t ask you to do this” Her irritation is apparent in her voice. But there is something else too.
“But I will be” He says with complete seriousness. And he will be even if everyone in this society label him as a stalker.
Khanak sighs, walks up to him and takes the helmet from his hand, all the while stomping like a petulant child. And Rishav finally takes a relieved breath for the first time since yesterday’s evening.