Rishav holds Khanak’s hands that she held in tightly clenched fists on her lap. His touch shocks her in opening her eyes and one drop of the tears that she has been trying so hard to hold in slips out. Rishav feels something sharp pierce his heart at the sight of her tear, and the hurt that tear implies.
Khanak averts her eyes when she sees that he has witnessed her vulnerability. Rishav knows that if he continues like this – hiding his true feeling behind the mask of indifference because of his insecurities and fears, he will lose her forever. Maybe they will learn to be civil with each other. Maybe they will even call themselves friends but he won’t be welcome to her innermost thoughts and emotions. He won’t know the sadness behind her tears or the happiness behind her widest grins. And the thought of being in a world where he can see her, talk to her but won’t be able to know what she is hiding behind her coy smiles, or the cause of the shadows in her eyes, is unbearable. Even the thought makes him shudder with pain and hopelessness.
“Khanak…” Rishav urges her to look at him. “Khanak…” It’s important that she looks at him and sees the sincerity behind the words he is about to speak. “Khanak…” Rishav’s voice grows more and more desperate. But when she still refuses to look at him, Rishav moves his right hand away from hers and holds her chin. His left hand still stroking her hands.
He turns her face toward him, “Khanak, I am sorry”. His eyes boring into hers, imploring her to believe his sincerity. “I am an idiot. The biggest one you will ever see. You…. you are so precious to me” Khanak lets out a disbelieving snort at his words. “You are. I know, I have done a poor job of showing you that. Heck, my behavior has been downright shitty. But trust me when I say, most of the times you are the most important person of my life and other times you only go down to second or third”. He moves his right hand back to her lap.
*****
Khanak inwardly smiles at the statement. Her insides feeling the same warmth she uses to feel every time around Rishav before last year’s incident and the same warmth that she felt for a moment this morning. So much has happened today that their ride from this morning seems like something from long time ago and ironically the incident from last year feels like that it happened yesterday.
And just like that, she remembers why is she here. Rishav has hurt her, again. And what’s really frustrating is that she has let him, again! Another of her tears slip out and she scowls at herself for showing any sign of weaknesses or vulnerability to him.
Does he really believe that she is precious to him?! She lets out another snort at the thought.
Khanak wipes the lone drop of tear from her face and straightens her shoulders in attempt to not betray anymore emotions than she already has. “You’re right” Khanak pauses intentionally. To let him think that she has believed everything he has just uttered and only when she sees him sigh with relief, does she continue. “Your behavior has been downright shitty. But not for a second I am ever going to believe that I am precious… or even a little bit important for you” She averts her eyes, lest he sees how hurtful the thought that she isn’t important to him is.
“I don’t know how to make you believe my words when my own actions of past contradict them. It’s just that…. ” Rishav lets out a loud huff. As if his inability to explain the cause behind his behavior towards her in past few years is frustrating to him.
Ha! Even if multiplies his frustration multiple times, it won’t be able to match the frustration she has felt in this past year while trying to justify his behavior, Khanak thinks in her head. And she remembers that the only way she has been able to move on from her obsession of finding some sort of explanation for his behavior that day was to just accept defeat. There has been no explanation last year. There is no explanation today.
The only reason he isn’t able to say anything is because there isn’t anything to say. And if it is so, and she is convinced that it is so, then what’s the benefit of sitting here, digging up old wounds. It will only hurt her. And it will hurt only her. Because the person sitting on his knees, in front of her, only thinks that he cares for her.
As if sensing that she is just about done with him, Rishav confesses in a small voice, “You scare me”. Shocked by his words, Khanak turns her head to look at him. Her eyes wide with shock. Just what every girl likes to hear from the guy she has been best-friends with for years and has liked as more than a friend once. Sensing that her mind has got on completely different train of thoughts from what he has intended, he amends “Or rather the things that you make me feel scare me” Rishav looks pointedly in her eyes, as if she should know what he is talking about. But his words have only managed to confuse her.
Unable to express through words, Khanak shakes her head to convey her confusion. Rishav looks around the room as if there is hint written on walls about what the right next words and actions are. Letting out a frustrated groan, he closes his eyes and pulls his hairs with both his hands. As expected, the non-living things around them have been unable to help him.
Rishav looks back at her and takes her hands in his again. She feels a warmth spreading through her face at his gentle touch and she looks down at her lap to analyze the cause. Only when he starts caressing them again, does Khanak realize that for the one moment he has left her hands, her hands have felt cold. She has felt cold and has missed the warmth he seems to infuse her with.
Disappointed in herself for feeling so, Khanak completely jerks her hands away from his. But to no avail, her movement only manages to make Rishav tighten his hold on her hands. Khanak tries to pull her hands again but Rishav only holds them tighter.
Irritated with this meaningless yet what’s feeling like an important trifle, Khanak looks up to glare at him. Only to get shocked with the look in his eyes. His eyes look desperate and frantic. He looks like his whole world is moving and her hands are the only things that are giving him some sort of center. Like holding her hands is the only thing that’s saving him. But from what Khanak has no idea.
But whatever the reason, Khanak doesn’t try to jerk his hands off of hers and waits. For him to feel oriented again. Khanak has no idea what has went through his head when she has tried to pull her hands away but she is sure that it was really ugly. Because it takes something bad for anyone to get the look in their eyes as she has just seen in Rishav’s. And it takes something really really bad for Rishav to get that look in his eyes.
“What do I make you feel?” Khanak asks. Her voice half filled with horror that it’s something horrible, why will he be scared otherwise, and half filled with caution. She doesn’t want Rishav to ever look that lost.
“I care for you, I really do. And when…” Rishav gulps, nervous about whatever he is about to say next. “Whenever I feel threatened about my place in your life, I lash out at you” His voice grows considerable smaller with every word as if he is ashamed.
As he should be, Khanak thinks. He behaved like a grade –A jerk today, last year, and every day before because he was jealous?! The idea isn’t unexpected or surprising but it’s incredulous nonetheless. Khanak has always known that Rishav has a problem with sharing things that are dear to him because of the family he has grown up in.
But this?! He has distanced himself from her, from their friendship because was threatened? He has made her feel so insignificant in his life that he doesn’t care whether she is a part of his life or not because he felt jealous? He has rejected her feelings without even acknowledging them because he was jealous?
She was ready to give him her heart and not only did he not just take it, he didn’t even have the courtesy to break it gently. And because of what? Because he cares for her and has been threatened about his position in her life.
If she could laugh, she would done so. Hysterically. What a crap load of childish bullshit!