Khanak is done… just done with Rishav. And she knows that she has had the same thought multiple times but this time she is truly done. Done hoping he would see her and realize how important he is to her. If he had just seen beyond his jealousy and insecurity, he would have seen that his smile or any sign of affection towards her has the potential to make her day and his harsh words has the power to ruin her day.
But she isn’t going to beat herself, second guess her every actions next time he has a jealous fit. And he will. She is sure of it. Rishav’s apology has been sincere and she also appreciates his honesty but that isn’t enough for her anymore.
She can’t go on like this. Khanak straightens her shoulder, giving herself strength for what she is about to do. “I have to go. It’s getting late” She moves her eyes toward window. It has gotten dark but she hasn’t noticed it before speaking. She needs to go from here. Away from him.
His reaction at her decision to go would have broken her will, had she not prepared herself for the hurt that entered his eyes.
“Khanak, you can’t go. You don’t understand….” Seeing him fumble in his desperation only manages to anger her more.
“What don’t I understand, huh?”
**
Rishav would have laughed at the ironical situation of he could. In attempts to save himself from hurt and pain, he has hurt the most important person of his life. Which is causing him more pain.
What should Rishav do now? Should he tell her that he liked her then, he likes her now? That he has always liked her as a lot more than friends. Should he tell her his feelings are the reason, he is jealous of Ankan?
“You don’t understand…. That I…. That I am REALLY sorry”. He wanted to confess his feelings to her but he can’t do that. It’s already too difficult to convince her to let him stay in her life when he just told her that he hurt her because of his jealousy and childhood issues. He doesn’t know what will happen if he told her that he has let her believe he didn’t like her even when he liked her. She will throw him out of her life before he could even blink.
“I know and I accept your apology but I can’t go back. We can’t just go back!” The finality in her voice is terrifying to Rishav.
“So what? We end here? Like this?” No, no! This can’t happen. He can’t fathom the thought. “Our friendship? All those years spent together? Everything ends here?” Rishav wants to shake some sense into her. Tell her that she is making the same mistake he has made last year. In her anger, she is ruining something that can be really beautiful. Just like he did that day. But when he raises his hand to touch her shoulder, she stands up and moves away from him.
Guess it all ends here then, Rishav thinks. He also stands up from his knees and sits back on his bed. His shoulder slumped – his posture similar to a defeated man.
“I don’t mean that we end things. I just mean that we can’t go back to how we were” For a moment Rishav let’s himself hope against hope that Khanak is saying this is in a good way. That she means that they cannot go back to how they were because she wants them to be much more than how they were last year. But he knows that it isn’t so. Because idiot that he is, he hasn’t let her know that he has feelings for her. And only God knows when will he get the chance to tell her. It doesn’t seem like that, that time will come anytime soon.
“We can try fresh” It takes Rishav few minutes to understand what Khanak is saying. When he does, he could only gape at her in shock. “We can try starting from start” Before he could let his lips curve into a smile and jump with happiness, Khanak adds “Slowly. We can move ahead slowly” Her emphasis on the pace they should go on did nothing to dim his smile. They could go at ‘snails pace’ for all he cares. He will be happy as long as they are going somewhere.
“Shall I drop you home?” As soon as he asks the question, he knows that he has made a mistake. This all started because he has offered to drop her yesterday.
At Khanak’s raised eyebrows Rishav lets out a wince. “I will call you a taxi, downstairs”.
**
Khanak nods her head and move towards the door. She doesn’t know what is she doing?! Like always Rishav managed to hack her system and made her do something she wasn’t sure she wanted to do. She has all but decided to throw him out of her life but when she has heard the pain in his voice at the thought of their ruined friendship, she couldn’t do it. She just couldn’t.
And it wasn’t even a selfless decision. This last year she fooled herself by trying to convince herself that she didn’t care whether Rishav is part of her life or not. She lied to herself when she said that he is already a stranger to her.
When in reality she has always carried a part of him and the affect he has on her, in her anger, in her attempt to be indifferent when she was anything but that, in the walls she has built around her heart. But, now that they have cleared the air and had some sort of closure with what happened last year, it wouldn’t have made sense for her to hold onto her hurt and anger.
So when Rishav has painted the scenario of how it will be if she says that yes, it all ends here, Khanak couldn’t do it. Because, if she had just let him go, today, then she won’t have any reason to stay connected with him through anything. There won’t be anything connecting her and Rishav together. And she just couldn’t make do without any sort of connection with him, in her life.
That’s why, in desperation she has suggested that they try becoming friends again. Start from the start. And the longer this idea stayed in her head, the deeper it got. After all, what’s the problem with it?!
She doesn’t want to behave as childish as Rishav did last year – decide the fate of their friendship when he was angry. But yeah, she also isn’t going to act as a fool this time around. She isn’t going to let him take her for granted.
“Khanak…” Rishav’s hesitant tone pulls her out of her head. They have already reached the entry/exit gate of his dormitory building. He is one step behind her, so Khanak has to turn to talk to him.
He looks as if he has had a very long day but his wide smile and glinting eyes imply that all the tension has been worthy of the end result they have brought him. Khanak likes the idea of herself and her friendship being something worthy. She really really likes it.
“I just wanted to say thank you for another chance and also for the uncountable number of chances you have given me before” Khanak could only smile at his genuine gratefulness. She wanted to say that all those chance and even this one has been for both of them, not only for him. But decides against it. It feels good to be appreciated by him.
After sitting in cab, Khanak lets herself smile. A relieved one. She is really glad that today happened otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to clear the air and put everything behind them. Morning’s incident brings back the thought of Ankan and Khanak loses her smile. She has another friend to make things right with. And this time she is the one who has to apologize and hope that she hasn’t lost her best-friend. Because if imagining life without Rishav is impossible then without Ankan she wouldn’t stay centred and sensible enough to make sense of anything.
Without caring about how late it is getting and how near she is already to her home, Khanak asks the driver to take her to Ankan’s house.