THE LAST LETTER
My dear Savior,
How lovely it is to be able to call somebody that! Does it sound too pretentious? I hope not…
I wish I could write this letter with beautiful words. If I knew how to do that, then I would start with a lovely quote, and end with a beautiful story. But I know only how to be honest, not pretty… So that is all I’ll try to be. I’ll try to be as honest as I can!
My diary marks the day I first met you. Like the light at the end of the tunnel, you were to me. (I can try, can’t I?!)
It seems strange when I think about it that even though I have known you for just over a month, you have given me so many more beautiful memories than the people I have known for over eighteen years. It’s strange that when I think of happiness, I can think of a few other times than this past month.
Sometimes I look at the mirror and try to think of the me that looks back at me. That girl in the mirror is not dressed in yellow and blue but in black. She wears her hair short. Unlike mine, the scars on her hand are hidden behind full sleeves. That girl seems scared of me, she looks like she’s trying to tell me something, but can’t.
I wonder what I look like to her.
I like to think she’ll smile when she sees me, but to be honest, I rather think she would not even recognize me.
That isn’t her fault, really. While I have the advantage of already knowing her, she probably has to imagine a situation where somebody like you comes into her life. And that would be close to having to imagine a lot, wouldn’t it?
I talked to my father finally, like you wanted me to. I visited him a couple of days ago, and he seemed surprised to see me. I wonder, was it because it was me who was visiting him, or because he had a visitor. I wonder if he even gets any visitors.
We talked for about half an hour before they said I had to leave. I told him it would be the last time we’re seeing each other because, I said, I was going to Denmark for my studies. He smiled and wished me good luck, and then they took him away.
I feel better now. He doesn’t feel like a weight anymore to me. He probably thinks I’m off to Denmark. It’ll be years before he finds out about anything. But I’m happier now, I am happy that I could talk to him, fix things with him…
So, counting this, you have officially scored a century in the championship! This one probably counts for at least ten points!
And the one after this will count for at least fifty points.
I finally visited Roy’s grave. It was…beautiful. I had been to Aunt Lisa’s place and she had asked me to lay some flowers for her too. I laid a flower for you too, because I know Roy would have really liked you too. I stayed there for some time, and then came back home. His letters and his photographs that I had are now with Aunt Lisa. I guess…It isn’t so bad, dying early. At least when you die early, people still cry real tears. And people miss you. I mean, it’s probably harder on the people you’ve left behind, but even they eventually learn to cope with it. Aunt Lisa seemed pretty peaceful today, Jennie smiled at me… They’ve gotten over it now. And maybe… Maybe I have too. Now.
Does getting over mean forgetting? No, I think not. To me, it just means accepting something.
I will miss him.
Austin called me again today. He’s been calling me again and again and texting me and again and again and again! It’s gotten annoying, you know?! But not really… It’s nice to know that somebody cares.
Maybe now I can even try thinking about how I might actually be important to somebody too!
Naahh. Not that. That’d be a bit too much.
But it’s nice.
Well, so I’m only telling you about all that’s happened to me, all the things that I’ve done and all the things that’s changed. But it’s like I’m trying to not tell you something and that’s sucky, so I’ll go all out and try to tell you without sounding stupid. I’m typing this out without erasing anything, okay?!
Yeah, so how do you know if you love someone? I mean, you, being seven years older than me, and being the stupid-ass genius you always pretend to be must surely know what it’s like, right? So how can you tell for sure?
Because I have this feeling that I’m falling for you. I’ve fallen for you… For each and every part of you. Am I being stupid? Are you smiling at me now? I wonder if you’re smiling at me now. Don’t you dare call me stupid! I know, okay? I know what love is, and I know how it’s different from just… attraction and how it changes things and everything. It’s just that I need to know for sure that THIS is love. I can’t tell you what’s it’s like! Why can’t I explain it to you? Whyyyy?!
Okay, so here’s the thing. It’s not every day that a person comes along into your life and saves you, literally, from death. Okay, accepted that the death was going to be self-inflicted, but even then. So you’ve got that going for you. But then, after saving me from that bridge, you created this more amazing piece of magic and saved me from myself. You taught me what it actually meant to have regrets, and you tried to teach me what it could mean to be able to let go of those regrets. And I like to think I understood, and that I tried doing what you wanted me to…
But you saved me…Twice. That’s enough for any girl to fall for any guy, right?
You’ve given me the best memories of my life that I could ever hope to have, ever again or forever since.. You’ve been my prince. My Knight in the Shining Armour.
Ne, it’s only natural that I’d fall for you, right?
But hey, don’t worry… You may smile at me now. I know how stupid I’m being. You know, I don’t wanna brag, but I know what it’s like to be the center of somebody’s world, okay?
But I have seen the eyes that are in love with me, and the eyes that I can’t love back. The pain in those eyes and the longing… I know that too. I’ve felt those eyes on me, and I have been sorry for them. I have…
And now, I’ve seen the eyes that can’t love me back, too. I know, I know, I know what I’m talking about and you know too that you don’t have to… Make excuses or be sorry about this, right? But it’s just that I wish. I only wish I could have gotten this one more thing out of life before it ended for me.
I’m so ravenous, aren’t I? But then again, isn’t everybody?
Wow… I can’t believe this. I just checked the word count, and I have written more than a thousand words! Wow!
See, this is how you’ve changed me! You’ve made a nerd out of me!
But hey, it’s okay, I guess. And I’m almost about done now so…
This will be awkward. Trying to end this. Okay, so… You’ve officially won the championship by a count of over a hundred points. The books, the walks, the music, the movies, the rain, the shopping, the food… The life. The memories…
My father. My brother. My friend. You’ve saved them all. Me.
So this is me, giving to thee the… whatever. I don’t know how they say these things. But you win, okay? You win. I don’t stand a chance.
I’ll be signing off now.
Hey, dear Knight, listen to me now, and listen to me closely! You’ve taught me what it meant to be alive. And now, you’ve taught me what it meant to be in love. You’ve really gone and destroyed my life, telling me about all these. So now you’ll have to pay the price.
I’m going away, dear Knight. I’m going away. Like the bird that we both sat and watched together, I’m going away to where you can’t find me, to where even you can’t bring me back from. Many people will ask you why I’m going away, and some will try to ask me. So tell them, I’m going away because I’ve lived my life. I didn’t need eighty long years to do that, thanks to you, I’ve done it in barely twenty. So tell them, that I’m going away and I’m happy. It must be quite rare that anyone is ever happy when they’re on the way to meet Saint Peter, but I’m sure I’ll be that..I’ll be happy. I’m happy.
And you won’t try to find me or stop me from going away, stranger. You will not chain me. You promised you wouldn’t, didn’t you?
You will live, for you’ve won. And that means you have to live for the both of us. Promise me that you will, ne?
I’m gone, my dear Savior. Take care, and do keep saving all the other foolish girls like the one in the mirror you saved…
I love you.