Khanak’s 17th birthday:
After wandering around for almost an hour, he remembered he had to go to Khanak. A sudden thought of ditching her came into his mind. He smiled a humourless smile at the turn of the event, just 90 minutes ago he was so happy at the thought of spending some alone time with Khanak and now he just wanted to go to some corner, where one would be able to reach him __ not even Khanak. But he thought about the tongue lashing he would get if he ditched her and decided it’s better if he went there. He decided he would act disinterested and would leave in few minutes to come back to his self-pity party.
He knocked on her door thrice and swore that if she wouldn’t open her door in next two minutes, he would leave. Just he was about to turn to walk away she came, beautiful, vibrant and cheerful as always.
“hi!” She greeted him cheerfully and at that moment all the envy he was feeling this morning about her and her happy life hot him. And he replied with a monotonous greeting.
“What happened?” She asked with a frown on her face birth then nodded her head as if she has already guessed the answer. Rishav knew her thought has went to his grandparents and he didn’t try to correct her. How do tell a girl you like that no want wants you? Simple you don’t tell her!
“Usual! Anyways you tell me why are meeting in noon? Generally you help your mother on holidays at this time” Actually this question has been bugging him ever since Khanak asked him to meet him at this time. Khanak never postpones working with her mother, no matter much he and Ankan begged. He looked at her when didn’t get instant reply and noticed her smile slipping for a moment but she shook her head as if convincing herself of something and smiled, that happy smile, back at him.
God, she was beautiful, he thought to himself. She, again has left her hair loose and is looking exceptionally cute in her new kurti. He knew it’s new. When you spend 7 year with someone as neighbours and bestfriends as well, you know these things.
Just when he was beginning to think that coming here was a good idea and the best way to take good mind off of his problems and focus only on good things, she asked “Have you talked to Ankan?”
And just like that he was back in the mood of self-pity. Why can’t he get a break?! His grandparents talk to him about His biological father__ His mother talk to him about his step father__ Ankan talk to him about Khanak and Khanak talk to him about Ankan! Why can’t any of them talk to Rishav about Rishav, for Rishav! Why can’t for once, just for once it can be all about him ___ no one else but him!
After that she asked him lot of meaningless questions, all the time her fingers fidgeting as if she was nervous, as if he was making her nervous. Why were the doing this, anyway? Rishav was sure Khanak didn’t have this in mind when she has called him over. He shouldn’t have come!
“what’s wrong with you?” Rishav could sense her frustration in her question. And he wanted to tell her everything but then his insecurity about never being enough stopped him.
“whats wrong with me? You are the one who called me, asked me to meet you at your house and has been asking nonsense questions for what feels like an eternity” He really didn’t want to be here doing this. He had never talked to her like this! Heck, Rishav doesn’t think anyone had ever talked to Khanak like that! Rishav hadn’t expected her to turn around,.. he had expected her to reprimand him or even very but not turn around with hurt filling her eyes.
His guilt on treating this beautiful girl badly blended with his insecurity of no one wanting him for himself made him hurt her deeply, so deeply that he didn’t know how to even apologize! So he just stood up and left.
When Rishav returned home that day, he could see relief apparent on every member of his family. What did they think, he is going to run from home?! He might be angry, he is not an idiot! He thought to himself. He went to his room directly without talking to anyone except nodding his head at his step-father.
That night everyone came to talk about him one by one,
His grandfather said, that his grandmother is still grieving and sometimes get upset when she sees that no one else but his grandfather is grieving with him.
His grandmother sat beside him and just told him a story about his father which made him smile and let Rishav feel the connection with his biological father he has always wanted to feel! For Rishav, his father has always been something mythical to him, something he knew but never felt related to.
His step-father patted him on his shoulder, and told Rishav that “when I married your mother, she was grieving so I didn’t talk about your father, my brother and then it became a sort of habit”. Dinesh also told him that, “ I think that your mother felt guilty marrying me so soon after her husband’s death and perhaps she still does and maybe that’s the reason she never talked about your father with you”.
“Means, you were only thinking about her and she was only thinking about herself!” Rishav replied, his lips twisted in a sad smirk. “no-one was thinking about me, about my need of knowing my father”.
“I am sorry!” Dinesh’s apology was sincere but did little to heal 17 years old wound. Rishav knew what Dinesh didn’t say that Rishav’s step-father and mother thought that Rishav would have little need of knowing his father, considering he had Dinesh in a father figure and for Rishav it made all the difference, Dinesh was a father figure not his father.
Rishav knew that now his mother would come but he wasn’t sure what both of them would talk about.
“Hey!”
“hi”
“I am sorry, Rishu!”
“Did you ask Dadu and Dadi to keep me?” Rishav doesn’t know that he can ever go back to what their relationship was if she said yes but the way h is mother has talked, he knew his mother and grandparents have talked about it.
“you have to understand Rishu, I was feeling so guilty and having you with me at that time reminded me of only my guilt”
Rishav wanted to ask “what about me!” but knew it was just like what Rishav has told his step-father, they both were thinking about only his mother__ his grandparents were thinking about Rishav’s father___ no one was thinking about Rishav!
“I understand it Maa but I might never forget it!” Rishav replied, his eyes fixed on her face, that is how he knew when she got what he was saying and how much it hurt her.
“May I come in?” Rishav smiled at his sister’s dramatics.
“since when do you have manner Shaili?” Rishav teased.
“I don’t!” Shaili boasted and came to sit beside him on his bed. “Maa hurt you?” Rishav didn’t want to lie to her but his mother was also her and it didn’t feel right to talk bad about their mother in front of her. “You should be happy, you know? Now you can demand anything from her and she will give it to you because she feels guilty” Why couldn’t Rishav have a normal childhood like this?!
“Oh yeah! But you will have to ask one thing on my behalf as it was my idea!” Shaili smiles cheekily making Rishav ruffle her hair.
“and one on my behalf too! As it was my idea for Shaili to come here in the first place!” Rishav raised an eyebrow, amused at behavior of his half-siblings.
After that day, it was easy to understand his family. That doesn’t mean it was easy for Rishav to be with them or for Rishav to feel like he belonged with them but atleast he understood why it was the way it was!