Chapter 21 – Her Mr. Perfect Is Just Like Imperfect, Mere Mortals
In last one year and a few months Rishav has not talked to Khanak even once but hardly a week goes when he doesn’t get to know anything about her from either his family or Ankan. Funny thing is he never asks anyone about her but he keeps details of every information about her, no matter how silly and minute. Like, “Khanak joined a student protest, did you know?” that was in May, source: Ankan.
“That friend of yours? Khanak! She is such a nice girl, always helps her mother with work whenever she gets a chance to. Unlike my children!” 2 months ago, was provided with a glare. Source: obviously his mother.
Most recent one is that “Oh, Khanak cut her hair. It used to be so long and beautiful earlier”, courtesy his mother.
And no matter how silly these informations are it always made his feel better and worse, together. After he, Ankan and Khanak has become friends, none of them would have imagined that any pair would have managed even one month let alone more than a year without talking to one another. But knowing these silly things about her makes him feel as if he is still with her and at the same time, to hear everything about her from someone else also makes him realize that she is living a life out there and he wasn’t a part of it.
It was the exact kind of pain he has tried to run from and funnily enough has somehow ended up choosing it for himself.
He gets up from his bed in the hostel room, cursing the college faculties for not letting him sleep on weekdays ever since he has started college. While walking to college, he wondered what hair-style Khanak had gotten and how does she look in it. Ever since his mother mentioned Khanak has gotten a haircut, he has been waiting for her to post picture on Facebook or for Ankan to mention it but sadly neither has happened. She must not look as good as she supposed she would otherwise she sure would have posted a picture. She is obsessed with posting pictures on Facebook and if they were still on talking terms, he would call it a time-waste but now her habit is another way for him to know about her so he has got no complaints.
In his mind, Rishav imagines Khanak in a very funny style and suddenly he has this intense urge to tease her about it, to laugh at her, to laugh with her… to… to just be with her.
And the pain was so intense that he has to put all of himself in walking to class instead of running to his childhood friend… his Khanak. He walks to the class with the decision to give in and to finally ask Ankan about Khanak. But no luck with that as his friend isn’t in class. This wasn’t strange. As Rishav’s hostel was on walking distance from college, he was often the first one to reach college among both of them. But he still looked around class once more to check for his peace of mind. Rishav goes toward a seat at the back, as he is in no mood today to either socialize or listen to teacher with full concentration, waiting for Ankan to come. But when his childhood friend doesn’t come even after the class has started Rishav started to get worried. It wasn’t like Ankan to let a sore throat or mere virals to make him absent class and he was fine yesterday.
He thinks to call him but that would be impossible with the professor watching over all students like hawk so he gets his phone out to text Ankan. In movies, they show college as this really cool place where you can come and go as if it was your class. Rishav has no idea where that kinds of colleges and professors existed but it sure ain’t here. When he unlocks his phone to text, he finds out that Ankan has already sent him a text message.
Won’t be attending the first class or maybe even second. Give me your notes later.
Rishav generally doesn’t fret over the reason of others’ actions but today another thought other than wishing to apologise to Khanak is welcome so he tries to find out what would have made Ankan miss the class and why didn’t his friend saved him all this misery and just explained the reason of his absence in his message. He keeps thinking about it and then as if every thought in his mind has swore to remind him of Khanak today, even this one turns. He wonders whether Khanak knows that her Mr. Perfect has missed class for no good reason just like any other imperfect, mere mortals…just like Rishav.
This is also one thing that has happened ever since he and Khanak stopped talking. Rishav finds comparing himself to Ankan on every thing. Who has more friends, whose hair is longer, who is taller, on everything. Basically in his twisted mind Rishav thinks that if he finds one thing that he is better in then maybe he can relax about Khanak forgetting about him or replacing him. As if Ankan was the real problem when Rishav himself knew that solely he and his words were responsible for his actions. After one year and few months Rishav can admit to himself that he sort of behaved like an insane person that week and realize his actions for what it was hurtful and hurting. But now when he knows that he has done wrong, he doesn’t know how to make it right.
Taking his mind away from painful and depressing thoughts he again began to wonder about the reason behind his friends absence. As far as Rishav knows his best friend, Ankan isn’t the one to miss class for something trivial. Only something related with his family and friends can make him do that. His family’s back plans have back ups so Rishav doesn’t think it has anything to do with them and Rishav is sitting here trying to find the reason instead of doing something productive so it isn’t him either. That leaves Khanak…. and suddenly it’s like as if someone lit a bulb in his head. Why wouldn’t Khanak know about Ankan missing class after all she was with him, Rishav is sure of that. When he suppressed his jealousy, he begins to worry. Is she alright? Has something happened to her? But even as he begins to panic, somewhere deep down he knows that if something was wrong Ankan wouldn’t have kept him in dark.
But still his next two and a half hours were spent on worrying whether something is wrong or being jealous of Ankan. So when Ankan comes 25 minutes late in their second class and sits besides Rishav, he doesn’t ask his friend about Khanak even though he would have gotten most recent updates. He can’t take Khanak’s name without accusing Ankan of betraying him and without expressing his resentment for him at the moment.
Mostly guys talk about girls when they are with their best buddies but Rishav and Ankan never had that. Their friendship is so messed up that they can’t even do that. It was never said but they both knew that they liked same girl. They can’t talk about her and they can’t talk about other pretty girls because then it would feel like one of them is giving up on her.
And even if Rishav DID give up on Khanak last year, they still haven’t broken the norm. Because somewhere in Rishav’s mind he knows that he hasn’t. He hasn’t given up on her… Not yet.
“I need to talk to you” Ankan says. At that Rishav barely manages to keep the growl in. Instead he nods his head stiffly asking Ankan to continue whatever he needed to talk about.
“I am going to ask Khanak out” Forget what he said about resenting Ankan at the moment. He hates his friend for eternity. Just when he has decided to find a way to make things right… to make Khanak forgive him, Ankan had to drop this bomb.
Ankan keeps looking at him for a reply, Rishav guesses, maybe for any sign or gesture that he is okay with it. But Rishav couldn’t make any muscle of his body work, not even his eyes to blink. He keeps looking straight at Professor as if she is telling the most important thing in the world, without listening to any word she is saying.
Ankan sighs, defeated. Well, what did he expect of Rishav?! That Rishav would pat on his back, smile at him and congratulate on making a good decision. And good decision it was!
Few minutes later when class ends Rishav is the first one to get out of there with Ankan following.
“Rishav… Rishav!” Ankan calls out to him but Rishav was walking as if the world behind him was on fire. He does not remember trying to walking toward his hostel or entering it but when he grows conscious of his surroundings, he realizes that where he is – in his room, sitting on his study chair with Ankan calling out his name repeatedly through the door.
Oh good, he had enough sense to lock it at least.
After becoming more aware of his actions and realizing that Ankan isn’t going anywhere till they talk, Rishav opens the door. His hostel room wad typical bachelors pad with old curtains hanging on window and a dark colored bed sheet on his bed so it wouldn’t get dirt sooner and without any homely touch except a colourful pen-stand his sister made from waste products for his birthday gift, few family photos and a photo of three of them. Rishav isn’t one for sappiness but he likes this photo. All of them has a wide grin on their face. They were 16 then and school has taken them on a field trip to Lal-quila to make us feel in touch with out history. Rishav remembers thinking that the day was going to be boring but as usual with Khanak’s continuous chatter and Ankan’s happy go lucky nature, he had a really good time. Their teacher has brought a camera and after half an hour od Khanak’s pestering, finally relented to take the picture of the trio with all of them smiling like a lunatic but not caring even a bit.
It was a good day.
Both of them look at the photo at same time as if realizing that things will never go back to that after this conversation but Ankan still came in and Rishav let him. This has to be done and besides Rishav has something to say to his friend himself.
When none of them talked Rishav arches his eyebrow at Ankan in gesture of questioning.
“As I said I am going to ask her out” Ankan repeats.
“What do you want me to say?” Rishav asks. Because Rishav doesn’t what he should say in the situation. He just knows that he has to tell Ankan that he is going to apologise to Khanak for the way he behaved. He knows nothing beyond that.
“I don’t know? Maybe something that means that you are okay with it?” Ankan says or more like asks. Well that one is easy to reply to.
“I am not.” Rishav replies and Ankan nods his head and sits in bed with a sigh.
Both of them again stays silent.
“I am going to apologize to her and make her forgive me” This time Rishav is the one to break the silence and hears Ankan’s chuckle as reply.
“You decide that just on the day I tell you, I am going to ask her out?” Ankan questions sarcastically and Rishav feels himself getting angry. Does Ankan think that Rishav’s and Khanak’s friendship depend on Rishav possessiveness and insecurity. No, it is much more than that and he opens his mouth to tell Ankan just that but calms himself down at the final moment.
“I have decided that before you even told me this thing. Look, Ankan I am not asking you to not ask her out. I am just telling you that I am going to try my best to be part of her life from now on” Rishav says and Ankan again chuckle sarcastically.
“You know she would never say yes to me if you are back in her life” Ankan says, his tone losing his normal confidence. It feels bad to see always confident Ankan in this condition and worse to know that he is the reason but Rishav has to admit that it feels really good to hear something like that from Ankan. For Rishav that’s hope.
“Then, that’s your problem, bro” Rishav says firmly.
“My problem?! Do you ever think about anyone else except yourself? Yesterday you wanted to hurt her, so you hurt her and asked me to cheer her up. Today you want her back so you are ready to do anything to get her back” Rishav has never seen Ankan this angry or upset. Rishav knows that he deserves the verbal hit so he takes it silently.
After few minutes Rishav says “look, you ask her out, if she says yes then good for you. Would I be okay with that? Heck no! But it’s her decision and I will respect that. If she says no then sucks for you. Either way I am not trying to make her my girlfriend… at least not yet. But I am just not ready to lose her completely”.
For the first time they have acknowledged their rivalry in open.
“I am not going to give up on her, even if she says no” Ankan says with determination shining in his eyes. Rishav nods in acknowledgement.
***
“So give me your notes! I have to copy it” Ankan demands and Rishav gestures him toward his cross bag. Ankan gets the notebook out of Rishav’s bag and check what teacher has taught today. When Rishav noticed his friend looking at him weirdly, he asks “what”. In reply Ankan shows him his four lines notes.
“I guessed who you were with in the morning” Rishav says and Ankan nods his head in understanding.