They walked carefully for a few more minutes, listening to the creek’s smooth sluice and distant camp noises. He squeezed her hand, and she enjoyed the feel of his strong fingers. She had a source of strength she could rely on.
“I’m haunted by something other than her death and the horrific manner in which she died, Mary.”
She sat and waited.
“When it all happened, I had no money and nowhere to go. My reputation had been ruined, I couldn’t get job, and I had been abandoned by my own family, you must understand. “However, that is no excuse for…” Squinting at the setting sun, he drifted off.
Mary noted that the sun was lowering earlier and earlier, and she trembled as she realised that fall was approaching, and that they were running out of time.
“There’s no explanation for…” she urged, both dreading and needing to hear it, needing to comprehend him, needing to know him. Stanton, she sensed, needed to know who she was.
“For accepting his assistance.”
“His?”
Stanton let out a sigh. “It was Lydia’s father who provided me the money to start my life. You see, he was reimbursing me. Paying me to leave in order to put an end to the unfortunate occurrence. I was able to travel all the way to Virginia because to his money. I went to war in Texas because the legal office no longer suited me. But then I realised I had nowhere to go and nothing to return to.
I was able to start up a shop in Springfield with what was left of his… charity”—he choked on the word but continued—” With the last of Knox’s money spent, I assumed that the past was good and dead. But it wasn’t the case. Knox, who was going through his own difficulties, asked me to return my debts to him. I couldn’t say no to him, Mary, since he was quite demanding.”
She felt a shiver run down her spine; darkness was approaching, and she wanted to beg him to come to a halt. She didn’t require any further information. She was well aware that desperate men would do anything for money. Her own family had attempted everything they could to improve their own situation.
Mary had always been responsible for her family, and while she despised it, she knew why.
“Don’t you want to know why I couldn’t say no to him, Mary?” he asked, guttural and low in tone.
“You felt bad about yourself. Anyone could have done it.” A bird cawed from above. In the silvery dusk, she couldn’t tell what type it was.
“However, I was to blame. Don’t you see what I’m talking about? Not because of Lydia’s suicide, but because of something else. Knox was aware… he’d learned of my subsequent affairs.”
Affairs. Mary felt a scalding sensation on her face. She drew her hand away from his. In a sense, Lydia’s father had blackmailed Stanton.
Which meant that whatever his transgressions had been, they’d been rash—and there had been plenty. Stanton let out a sigh. “I was aware that Donner was Knox’s old buddy and business associate. He was most certainly one of Knox’s main sources of information. However, when I learned that the Donner Party was moving west, I sold everything and joined them. I despised George Donner, but I despised Knox even more. “I was desperate for a way out.” He ruffled his hair with his hand. “However, Mary, I’ve improved since then. I’ve realised that there’s no way out of the past.”
Mary took a deep breath in. She didn’t know what to say to him, what could relieve the anguish he was in—the grief and guilt he had carried for so long.
She thought she knew what had been bothering him, but she was starting to realise how the mysteries of Charles Stanton’s past were heaped on top of one another, wrapped in on themselves, and continued unfolding into the future.
He raised his eyes to her, regretful, but did she get a glimpse of hope? “That’s why, Mary, I’ve been trying to stay away from you.” It’s in your best interests. I’m not deserving of your trust. “You deserve a better person than me.”
Perhaps he was correct. Maybe she shouldn’t put her faith in him. Perhaps he didn’t deserve her assistance after all. Didn’t all men, after all, deserve a second chance?