“So, where to now?” Ankan asks as soon as Khanak closes the shop. But before she or Rishav could answer, Ankan’s phone rings and the irritated groan he lets out in reply makes it clear to Khanak that it must be his grandfather on phone.
“Yes dadu… yeah dadu… yeah! Uh-um! But… Ok, I am coming” Listening to Ankan’s one-sided conversation makes her look at Rishav and they both grin at each other conspiratorially as they have done thousands of times. It’s not the first time that some ill-timed demand of Ankan’s grandfather has interrupted their plan. And no matter how many times Ankan tries to convince his grandfather that he is busy, she as well as Rishav knows that it’s not gonna work. His grandfather has made no secret of his irritation about Ankan spending time with Khanak and Rishav.
When Khanak realizes what she is doing, smiling at Rishav like they were the best of friends sharing a fond old memory (something they used to be), her smile slips from her face and she looks down, angry at herself for diving into a familiar routine with him.
“As you both might have already guessed, I have to go” Ankan says with an exasperated sigh. “You guys enjoy your evening” Ankan says, longing infused in his voice as if he doesn’t like the idea of missing out on something. But Khanak knows there is something more when Ankan kept looking at Rishav and Khanak as if wanting to say something but being unable to.
Reassuring him, Khanak says, “I am going home to check up on Mom. As easily as she left today, I don’t think she is feeling well” Ankan smiles brightly at her.
Ankan drives away after hugging her goodbye and doing his manly handshake with Rishav, which normally makes her eyes roll at the typical macho behavior but today it feels good to see that after this afternoon, things are back to normal at least between them.
**
After Ankan has gone out of sight, Khanak suddenly remembers “I forgot to ask him whether he drop me off to college tomorrow or not” walking toward her home.
“I will drop you” His voice startled her. Not that she has forgotten that he was walking beside her, leaving a respectable distance between them. No matter how much she pretends to be not aware of him, she has always been so attuned to his presence that it’s physically impossible for her to not sense him whenever he is around.
What made her jump was the fact that she has spoken out loud.
“You don’t need to. I will manage” Khanak answers curtly. She is still angry at herself and him.
“I will” Rishav insists fuming and halts their step with his hand on her elbow. All semblance of respectable distance gone.
When she stubbornly doesn’t turn to look up at him, he takes a step closer. He is invading her personal space now. He keeps staring at her, imploring her with his gaze to look at him. Khanak tries to stubbornly refuse him and it would have been easier for her to do it if he had pulled her closer or turned to make her look at him but he is just lightly holding her elbow and staring at her. Giving her the chance to run if she really wants to.
‘Do I want to?’ she asks herself but before she could get any answer her feet and eyes decide for her when she turns slightly and raise her head to look into his eyes. This is the first time she has looked into them, really looked into them after their mishap last year and the emotions swirling in them surprises her.
She would have expected him to be sad and apologetic and he is those things but more than that he is determined. ‘Determined to do what? Make her forgive him.’ Even when she answers herself, Khanak knows that whatever Rishav is doing is not about apologizing at least not all of it.
“When do you need to get to your college?” Rishav asks and his question fuels the anger that has been subsiding. Just because she accepted his silent request, doesn’t mean that she is going to agree to everything he says and she is absolutely not agreeing to anything which will get her to spend more time with him than necessary. While stewing in her anger, she asks herself, then why the hell did you turn, Khanak? You could have run away!
“As I said, I will manage. You don’t need to trouble yourself” Khanak pats her own back in her head at the firm and no-nonsense tone she has just used. Rishav’s clenched jaw, an attempt to calm his frustration, gives her more satisfaction and she gives him a smug smile in reply.
“Why? Scared?” Rishav asks, giving her a smug smile of his own.
Why would she be scared?! He should be the one scared of her wrath, the one she will definitely made him feel, if he doesn’t leave her alone and doesn’t stop talking in cryptic way. She pulls her hand away from his hold and turns properly to face him.
Khanak waits for few moments with her arms crossed over her chest, waiting for him to explain himself. When it becomes clear that he is not going to, she asks “What do you exactly mean? Why in the world will I be scared?”.
Rishav’s smug smile become smugger somehow when he sees her turning to him. “Scared of spending more time with me…”.
Khanak feels as if someone has punched her in chest, breaking her heart. She knows where this conversation is going, still she can’t seem to drop it and move on. “Why would I be scared of spending time with you?” her voice holds a calm, a warning of storm that she knows is about to come if someone doesn’t give up and she also knows that she isn’t going to be that someone.
“Because you think if you spend one more minute with me you won’t be able to keep pretending to be indifferent and your real feelings will show”. For a moment Khanak feels relief. He is talking about anger… he must be! Her Rishav… her best-friend can’t be cruel enough to dig something so painful. Just as she was about to take a relieved breath and show him the anger she is hiding behind her pretense of indifference, he adds “the same feeling that you said you had for me last year. You are scared that if you will let me in again you will begin to like me again and maybe you still do and you just want to hide it”.
The pain of the punch that her heart has been holding all to itself spreads all over her body. Her arms fall down unintentionally. She takes her eyes away from his cruel face and looks down her standing form. How hasn’t she toppled over, she doesn’t know, when all she is feeling is pain in this moment. But God is she glad to be standing!!! She doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Rishav’s eyes that were filled with determination just now get filled with regret and he raises one of his hand to maybe hold her or support her. Khanak doesn’t know and in this moment doesn’t even care. She raises one palm of hers to stop him from doing whatever he is trying. It’s too late for these empty gestures.
Her Rishav, her best-friend – she scoffs at the idea of this cruel person being those things.
She takes few calming breaths to gather herself. For a moment she thinks to hide behind her indifference as he has just accused her of but then she decides on letting him see the extent of hurt he has inflicted last year and just now with his cruel words. He does not deserve even an iota of her emotions but it is important for her to show him how much he has hurt her… in the way she hasn’t shared with anyone – not her mother, not Ankan, not even her diary. She hasn’t even admitted to herself about how much she has been hurt and how much she has been hiding this past year.
But, enough!!!