Rishav looks at Khanak with hope in his eyes, urging her to believe him. And Khanak scoffs at the thought. As if she has any reason to not believe him. She knows that whatever he has just said is completely true. His reason behind his actions is so typically Rishav – so self-centered, childish and angry, that Khanak didn’t even need to take a moment to believe it. These emotions are the reason behind almost all of his decisions and actions. His decision to scare his new neighbor away from the neighborhood, his decision to stay in hostel, away from all his family. A part of her knows that she is being unfair to him. Not all of his decisions are motivated by anger and selfishness. He was not selfish when he decided to be friends with her. He lets go of his anger when he tries to have a better relationship with his half-siblings even after being crazy jealous of them. And he acts totally out of love when he behaves civilly with his step-father, because that will make his mother happy. And he totally doesn’t act childish when he forgives his other multiple times.
But Khanak is in no mood to listen to that part of her. Because a bigger part, that’s recalling last year’s hurt and humiliation, is raving angry at him. That part wants Rishav to feel the same hurt and humiliation that she did last year. And yes, there it is. She hasn’t been just hurt. She has felt insulted. It’s not every day that a girl decides to tell her best-friend that she likes him. Only for the said best-friend to react to it as badly as anyone can – by not even acknowledging it. And just saying that it would be better if we stop talking for some time. Of course, she has been humiliated.
The part that told her that she is judging Rishav harshly, suggests her to not do what she is about to do but again Khanak is no mood to listen to that part. She is angry and she wants to show it, damn it!
Khanak jerks her hands away, this time with enough force that Rishav has to let go of them. Rishav frowns at her. His confusion is so genuine that a laughter bubbles up from inside her, making Khanak look like a maniac. Just when she has thought that she can’t possibly laugh in this situation.
Rishav looks at her with narrowed eyes. His lips half turned into a smile and half into a frown. As if he isn’t sure whether my crazy laugh is good or bad. Oh dude, it’s definitely bad, Khanak wanted to shout at him.
***
Rishav doesn’t know what to make out from the way Khanak is behaving. No matter how much he wants to hope that her laugh indicates that even if she isn’t happy, at least she isn’t as close to biting his head off as she was when she entered the room, Rishav knows that it’s not that. He has never heard her laugh like this.
And Rishav takes pride in knowing all of Khanak’s laughs. There is one where she covers left side of her face with her left-hand and lets out a soundless, closed-lips chuckle whenever she is embarrassed but she can’t help herself and laugh at her own embarrassment. Then there is her fake one, where she puts so much effort to make it seem genuine that it comes across as fake from far away. Then there’s her happy smile. Whenever someone makes her happy, she puts her hand on her chest and laugh a small laugh as if she is going to be eternally grateful to that person for giving her one happy moment. It has been a long time since Khanak has showered him with that smile. It has been a long time since he has made her happy. This one is his second favorite.
Then there’s relieved one, which she laughs only around her mom, him and Ankan – not exactly completely happy but just relieved to be around her people. As if everything will be handled or can be handled because she is with right people. Her lips spread slightly wider, her eyes become a bit brighter, the sound that she makes when she is laughing like this is far from beautiful but Rishav likes it the most because this makes Khanak look like she is free of every sadness and worries. Her bright eyes free of every shadows.
Though Rishav would have really liked her to smile her relieved smile, he has always known that it would be impossible. And he would have been okay with her fake laugh. But the one she is laughing right now – he has no idea what that’s about. But he is almost sure that it’s bad. It’s really bad.
Did she not believe that his intention has never been to hurt her? He has been jealous and insecure. He has underestimated his own value in Khanak’s life. He has just never considered himself important enough in her life that she would be really hurt by any of his actions. Is she finding his reason funny?
Where she was sitting straight few minutes ago, leaving half of space behind her on the chair as if she is ready to storm off any minute, she is now lying back on the same chair. Her back touching the back of the chair, her head falling off the headrest, her closed eyes toward ceiling. Her body is still shaking from laughter. She is looking like she is lost in her head.
Rishav whispers her name to bring her back to him and his apology. But she doesn’t seem to listen or just chooses to ignore. Rishav hesitantly tries to take her hands in his once again. The change in Khanak at his touch is so sudden that he freezes. His hands lightly touching hers, neither holding nor falling off. She stops laughing, her eyes wide open and giving him an icy glare, shouting at him – DON’T YOU DARE!
Rishav take his hands back from her lap to both sides of his hips and looks up at her. Her eyes have lost any signs of warmth and amusement. No one will be able to tell that she was just laughing few seconds ago.
“I am sorry, Khanak. You can never guess how much. I know I have hurt you. But you have to believe me when I say that I never consider myself as someone good enough or important enough, who will be able to hurt you” Rishav doesn’t know whether this time his apology will get through to her or will it just add negative points to his record as last one did.
And yes, he knows that her laughter was not a good thing. Her ‘hands off’ glare was self-explanatory enough. Rishav doesn’t dare to look up toward her. He doesn’t know what else to tell her to make her forgive him.
“When did you feel you are not important enough, huh Rishav? When? When I was behaving like a blushing girl every time you used to look at me? Or when I used to hang onto every word of yours even when most of the time used to open your mouth to mock me? Or when I begged my mother for a new dress and made her work in night to get that dress ready so that I could look nice when I spend my birthday with you, which you promised that you would and then behaved like a jerk?” Rishav winces at her memories. His eyes still boring holes in the floor with his intense gaze.
He only looks up when he hears a sniff. She is still trying to control her tears but she isn’t exerting all of her energy on that. She is busy with giving what he is pretty sure is the list of reasons she isn’t going to forgive him. “And you know what, I could forgive you for all that. I even did forgive you for those things. After all, you could have misinterpreted those things. After all I never told you why I was doing those things” Khanak takes a deep breath as if she is preparing herself for facing something difficult. Something horrible that’s still horrible and bitter in her memories. And Rishav loses all the hope because he knows what’s coming.
“But that day, Rishav, that day I outright told you that I liked you. That I liked you as more than a friend. What more could I have done to make you feel important enough, huh? Who were you jealous of? Ankan?” Rishav knows that she knows that he was jealous of Ankan and he also knows that she finds his jealousy childish and illogical. “Because I was there that day, confessing my feelings to YOU. And what did you say after? No acknowledgement, no friendly hug, no consoling that I am sorry I don’t return your feelings but we will always be best-friends. Just ‘I think it’d good if we don’t talk to each other for a while’” For a moment Rishav wanted to say that if she wants to discuss this word by word then let’s discuss how she has confessed her feelings. She has started the sentence with she was done. That she was done liking him.
But he lets go of the thought. Not only will that upset her more, it’s also a poor excuse. She is right she has outright told him that she likes him and instead of going after her, apologizing for his past behavior and groveling to like him again, he has rejected the best gift that ever came to him. He has let her go.